In September last year, I ended a 6 year relationship with a beautiful man.
You may know this already, or you may not. For those who don't, this was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, and it's taken me so long to share any of this story because I respect his privacy, I don't want to hurt him anymore and I don't want to upset anyone. It's also extremely private, raw and upsetting, but something has been calling me to share this with you, so here I am.
I didn’t leave because there was anything wrong with the relationship, and from an outsiders perspective, we had the *perfect* relationship.
* As a recovering perfectionist, I don't like the word perfect, for that is not reality. Imperfectly perfect is more my style.
I left because I wanted and needed more.
Maybe that sounds selfish, but I want to share with you why I left because there may be a lesson for you as well.
When we met, we were both in the police force. We became mates. We had banter. We laughed. He helped me. He inspired me because he’s a fucking amazing detective! He was the dark horse who kept to himself, but let a few people see him for who he really is.
It was the slowest start to any relationship I’d been in, but this was exactly what I needed at the time. He taught me:
✔️ How to be calm and sit with stillness
✔️ What it is to be loved unconditionally
We were completely different, like polar opposites, but I didn’t care.
When I met him, I was a very different person to the person I am today.
I was disconnected to my true self.
I was closed off to my emotions because I had been hurt so often in the past, but I was open to love.
I was all go, go, go - because I hated silence. I was uncomfortable with stillness.
When we started dating, I didn’t really let people SEE me, because I didn’t like who I was. I definitely didn’t love myself. I was comfortable with who I was, but I had 13 years of trauma to deal with - and ain't nobody knowing about that shit. So, his silence allowed me to just talk about nothing and it just worked.
The only concern I had initially was when he told me he’d previously said that he would never allow himself to love again because he didn’t want to get hurt. Me, being 28 at the time, wasn’t up for that. I didn’t want to be with someone that wasn’t going to let me in, and I told him that.
After 3 or 4 months, my question to him was, “What is this?”
His response: “Some kind of relationship”.
And so it was. It was a beautiful relationship. It was loving, supportive, encouraging and unlike any other relationship. In our time together, we had 1 fight. That’s it, There was never a need to fight. There was never a need to bicker.
Sure - we disagreed on stuff, but we never fought.
In 2016. He saved my life.
When I was sitting on my kitchen floor, with a knife against my wrist, trying to work out the most considerate way to end my life - this man saved my life. He was the reason I didn’t kill myself that day. He was the reason I decided I could no longer live the way I had been...
I knew he hadn’t fully let me in to his life, but I knew the pain he carried around from his previous life and I was not going to be the cause of any more pain.
I knew it would destroy him.
I owe him my life. My family owes him. We know that. We love him for that. We appreciate him. We thank him. We are grateful for him.
After that, I became a shell of a human fo