I’m talking about change.
Change is funny isn’t it. I’ve always been open to change when it comes to work, but when it came to my personal life, it was a BIG FAT NO from me!
I would go out of my way to help other people, learn new things and do anything I could to make other people happy. Hello people pleaser extraordinaire.
The honest truth is that I avoided any change in my personal life like the plague. The idea of changing anything about my ‘ways’ was absolutely terrifying. I knew that I wasn’t happy and I knew that something had to change, but how and where do I even start.
I was happy to project my insecurities onto everyone else and take the attention away from me, because what if someone saw the *real* me?!
Unfortunately, I waited too long to change. I avoided my issues until I hit rock bottom.
I thought fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a police officer would fill that void. I would magically be better and all my problems would go away. Haha. 😂😂 That’s funny.
The truth is that being with the police only added to the layers of *things* I needed to deal with. I developed an even tougher exterior and while I thought I knew who I was, I actually had no fucking idea who I was. I’d lost *me* and developed the identity of a police officer. I moulded myself to fit into their stereotype and their expectations.
Which is why, when I left, I was so utterly lost and confused.
So how did I get from where I was then to where I am now?
I had to:
✔ Look at the areas of my life I tried to ignore (my shadow).
✔ Break down why I let other people’s opinions bother me so much.
✔ Address my trauma
✔ Work out what actually makes me happy. As in content, at peace, brings joy to my life – rather superficial, instant happiness.
✔ Discover *WHY* I do the things that I do
✔ Figure out who the fuck I am!
It’s funny, because reading through these 'to do's', they don’t look like much. If I’m completely honest, they look pretty easy.
But sometimes it’s the simplest things that are the hardest.
They are also the scariest. The simple things are what we avoid most because we know there might be pain, sadness, disappointed or guilt attached to it. Humans also really like making life harder for ourselves!
Which is why it doesn’t surprise me to see people doing ‘the work’ for years, but only really scratching the surface. They’re reading books and listening to video’s, but there’s still blocks there. There’s still something that’s…. just… not quite right.
Because it’s not easy.
Who chooses to put themselves through a painful situation?
Who chooses to admit to everything they’ve ever done? Especially the stuff they have tried for years to forget about.
Who chooses to actually open up the little box with all our secrets in order to figure out what the fuck is wrong with us?
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! Well, until they do, and then it's a lifetime journey.